


These One's Accidental Wedding

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3608214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan have a night off. And an evening that begins with a mild drinking contest at the Silver Coast Casino turns into an impromptu trip to This One's Little Bioluminescent Wedding Chapel. And neither of them can remember any of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These One's Accidental Wedding

Like most mornings, Shepard woke up to the smell of bacon sizzling on the griddle in their kitchen. There was also an overwhelming pleasant wave of homemade maple syrup and French toast wafting into their room. Kaidan liked breakfast, and he might have actually liked the act of making it more than eating it.  
Shepard rolled over and groaned. And that was when she realized her entire body hurt. And that she wasn’t wearing her clothing. Well, not her clothing anyway. The shirt she was wearing was large and as orange as her hair, with gaudy hibiscus flowers all over the place. If she didn’t know any better, it might have been made for a Krogan.  
She rubbed her eyes and tried to sit up, and immediately clobbered herself in the eye with something cold and metallic on her hand. Her eyes popped open again and she looked down at her hand. On her left ring finger, sat a shimmery, silver band, encrusted with gems from each Council home world.  
Oh no.  
What didn’t bother her was that there seemed to be a wedding ring on her hand, but more the fact that she literally had no recollection of how it got there or even anything that happened last night. She remembered that she and Kaidan had a night off and were planning on going out to the newly renovated and repaired sushi place on the strip.  
I swear to God, if I fell through the fish tank again…  
It explained why her body hurt, but there was probably a chance she would have been thrown out an airlock if she ruined the sushi place again. Not again.  
She sat up and looked around the room. Their bedroom had never been such a mess, and she honestly had no idea how it got to that point. She wasn’t even certain that it was the remains of a night of wild sex. It honestly just looked like the Reapers ripped through their room. Now that she saw the clothing on the floor some semblance of memory slipped into her mind.  
She remembered that she was wearing a little black dress with a pair of all too high high-heels, and Kaidan was wearing a black pair of slacks and a purple button down shirt. However, now she saw that one of her heels was hooked on the lampshade, and for some reason, Kaidan’s shirt was strewn across the mirror?  
Shepard hauled herself out of bed and found a pair of Kaidan’s boxers, the ones with little Hanar on them, and made her way into the kitchen. She wobbled all over the place and used the walls to guide her in the direction of the incredible smells. When she finally reached the kitchen, Kaidan was standing in front of the stove with bacon cooking on the griddle.  
His hair was a complete mess, brushed into as much order as possible. Strands of gray stuck out amidst his thick, black hair. He had his shirt off and a pair of low-hanging sweatpants on, and severe bags under his eyes. The coffee machine gurgled, and Kaidan sighed in relief.  
“Hey,” Shepard grunted.  
“Coffee?” he said, pouring her a cup and passing it across the counter.  
She took it and drank half of it in one swig.  
“So, Kaidan, I don’t know how to ask you this, but do you…”  
He held up his left hand, showing off the silver band around his ring finger. “Um. Yeah.”  
“Alright, well, that’s relieving.”  
“What, you didn’t want to wake up married to a Batarian?”  
He crossed around the counter and kissed the side of her head. She let him wrap his arms around her and hold her for just a moment. She looked up at where his head was resting against hers.  
“No, no I didn’t. However, I literally have no recollection of what happened last night. So that’s a problem.”  
“Yeah, I can’t give you any good reasons why the apartment looks how it does.”  
The bacon finished cooking and Kaidan took it off and stuck it on a plate with the freshly baked French toast. He sat across from Shepard at the counter and dug into the food, when their doorbell echoed through the apartment.  
“You eat,” Kaidan said, moving into their bedroom to grab a t-shirt.  
Shepard took a piece of bacon and a slice of French toast and slumped against the granite countertop. She heard speaking near the door, and groaned.  
“Shepard,” Liara said.  
“Hmm,” Shepard whimpered.  
“I think you should probably see some of this.”  
Shepard looked up, and saw that Liara had brought her Broker terminal with her.  
Shit.  
Kaidan crossed his arms and offered her a seat on their couch. Liara sat down and opened up the screen. Kaidan helped Shepard to the couch as well, and they all took positions that allowed them to see the scene.  
“Well, first of all, congratulations are in order.”  
“You know?”  
Liara narrowed her eyes at Shepard. “I’m the Shadow Broker. Security camera footage from around the Citadel.”  
“Right.”  
“Okay, let’s start from the top,” Liara said, pressing the first video on the feed.

****

Silver Coast Casino Bar. 10:28 PM.

“You know, I’ve been able to drink more than half the Normandy crew,” Shepard bragged.  
“Uh huh. Wrex? Grunt?”  
“Took both of them without even flinching,” she said.  
Kaidan smiled. “Of course you did. However, I have a biotic metabolism. My body processes alcohol so quickly that it hardly impacts me at all.”  
“Kaidan, I’ve seen you drink. You’re a lightweight.”  
“Am not! I’m double your size, Shepard.”  
Shepard leaned over the bar, teasing smile across her lips. “Alright, Major. Let’s settle this then.”  
“I am not having a drinking contest with you. What are we? Fifteen?”  
She shook her head. “No, think of it like sparring. I can kick your ass there, so-.”  
“No way, I let you win.”  
Shepard grabbed the collar of his deep purple shirt and pulled him closer. “Don’t go forgetting who I am just because I don’t have an N7 stitched onto my clothing.”  
Kaidan smiled, pressing his lips against hers. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him back.  
“So, what do you say, Major?” she asked.  
He smirked. “Fine.”  
Shepard started out easy, ordering them several shots of something Batarian that was on fire. They took one of those, and neither of them winced. And another. And another. The bartender stopped and looked at them.  
“You want something heavier? You two look like big kids.”  
“Hell yeah!” Shepard shouted, reaching out to touch the bartender.  
“Ma’am, please don’t touch me.”  
“Shepard, don’t touch him,” Kaidan corrected.  
The bartender passed them two more drinks. This was pink, and was not on fire, sadly. It was larger, and took slightly more time to drink, but Shepard and Kaidan had them gone very quickly. They’d become increasingly touchier, and Shepard had slung her arm around her boyfriend’s shoulders and kept playing with his hair. He continued to resist, and babbled something about it throwing off his coif.  
“Alright. Another one of those, or something harder?”  
“You got any Ryncol?” Shepard screamed.  
Kaidan put a finger in front of her mouth. “Shhhh. Lower your voice. People are staring.”  
“I’m the first human Spectre! Let them!”  
He furrowed his brows. “Well, I’m the second human Spectre!”  
Shepard nodded. “Damn straight. Give us something for Spectres.”  
“Yeah!” Kaidan chanted in reply.  
The bartender blinked several times, and poured them two glasses of something that he couldn’t publicly show before the bar, and passed it to them.  
“Just so you two know, this is the quickest way to not remembering anything you do tonight. I will not be held accountable.”  
“It’s okay. We saved the galaxy. We can handle it,” Shepard said, patting Kaidan on the back, hard enough for him to spill some of his drink.  
“Holy shit! This smells like ship fuel,” Kaidan said.  
“Drink it!” Shepard screamed at him.  
Kaidan tossed back half the drink and choked on it, and urged Shepard to do the same. She did so, and shut her eyes for a moment. She shook her head, and straightened herself up.  
“I’m good, I’m good,” she replied. She quickly finished the drink when she saw Kaidan was making more progress than she was.  
“One more!” she hollered at the bartender.

****

“Okay, so I’m gathering that we got really drunk last night,” Shepard said. “What happened next?”  
Liara winced. “Well, chronologically, the arcade.”  
“The arcade? Oh my god,” Kaidan mumbled under his breath. “And how poorly did that go?”  
“I’ll let you decide for yourselves,” Liara replied, queuing up the next security video.

****  
Castle Arcade. 11:42 PM.

Inside the arcade, Shepard and Kaidan stood before a crane game. Shepard had the controls and furiously wiggled the controller.  
“Zaeed was right. This thing is impossible!” she groaned, words slurred to oblivion.  
“You gotta grab it harder, Shepard. It’s slipping through your fingers!”  
Shepard leaned her head against the glass of the machine and started laughing, snorting, and then hiccupping. “Watch your wording, Major. Sounds like you’re a sixteen year old boy.”  
“Shepard, I’m serious. If you want a prize, you are literally half assing it. Come on, let me try,” he said, shoving her out of the way.  
She straightened up and shoved him back. “I’m the Savior of the Citadel!”  
“And I got BAaT shut down!”  
“That’s not a title, Major!” she shouted, hip-checking him.  
“God, your hips are bony! Stop that!”  
He wiggled the joystick on the game in a few different directions and reached one of the glowing orbs holding prizes.  
“This better be worth my fifty credits, Shepard.”  
“It will be! Get a prize. This is how we settle who the real Spectre is, okay?”  
“Jesus.”  
He pressed the button on the game console and the claw dropped down. It clutched around a glowing blue orb tightly.  
“Look! I got it!” he shouted. “Shepard, look!”  
“Yeah, yeah, I see it, Major.”  
The claw raised the orb and dropped it into the prize slot. Kaidan reached in and grabbed the orb, popping open the top and passing Shepard what was inside. A flashy, pink and blue ring, cheap and made out of plastic fell into her hands.  
“A ring? Dammit, I wanted an Elcor plushie.”  
“Hey, but this is nice! Look at that. And you can say I gave it to you!”  
Shepard rolled her eyes. “Yes, my boyfriend, the second human Spectre got me a flashing ring on our night off. I think I like it.”  
He helped her slip it on her finger, her left ring finger specifically. “There.”  
“Any reason that you put it on my ring finger, Major?”  
“It’s the ring finger, duh.”  
“If I didn’t know any better, I would say that you were asking me to marry you.”  
His eyes popped open. “What? No. That’s insane, Shepard.”  
She crossed her arms. “So you wouldn’t want that?”  
“I… I don’t know. I mean, yes, but like… only if you wanted to.”  
“Who says I don’t?”  
He scratched the back of his neck and looked all around the room. “Well, I don’t know. Do you?”  
“Why the hell not?”  
She grabbed his shoulders again and pressed her lips aggressively against his. A small child, up way past his bed time, poked at them.  
“Kid, get lost,” Shepard sneered  
“God, Shepard. Think of the children,” Kaidan grumbled.  
The child pushed them out of the way and tried his hand at the crane game. 

****

“Well, that’s not the way I saw it going down,” Kaidan said.  
“Not how you saw yourself proposing, I take it?” Liara asked.  
“No, not even a little bit.”  
“Where did we go after that?” Shepard asked, covering her eyes. She had hardly looked at the screen the entire time the last video played, and was cringing very hard. Her skin had flushed very red, almost the same color of her hair.  
“It became rather hard to track you and dig up the footage, but it looks like you went next to the bar… again. But only for one drink. Nothing exciting happened.”  
“Why do you know all this?” Kaidan asked.  
“I actually get alerts when people I know end up in some kind of compromising position. And I can hack in and delete incriminating evidence. This popped up this morning, and well… needless to say it was out of character. At least for the Major. But next, you went to a place on the strip called This One’s Little Bioluminescent Wedding Chapel.”  
“Oh…” Shepard trailed off.  
Liara played the next video.

****

 

This One’s Little Bioluminescent Wedding Chapel. 12:33 AM.

The interior of This One’s Little Bioluminescent Wedding Chapel was like something Shepard had seen in advertisements for Hallex. The walls changed colors and glowed - in a somewhat soothing way, albeit - and there were rows of seats open in front of a wedding arch.  
Shepard had tossed a bright pink feather boa over her shoulders and forced Kaidan into heart shaped sunglasses. They hardly fit his head and were lopsided. The Hanar officiant stood between them, holding a book in two of its tentacles.  
“Dearly Enkindled, we are gathered here today to celebrate the sacred union of these two lovers.”  
Shepard wobbled, and giggled. Kaidan shook his head to free himself from the sunglasses. It clearly didn’t occur to him that he could release Shepard’s hands for just a second to take them off.  
“Repeat after this one,” the Hanar said. It looked down at the names written on the paper in front of him, and looked up. “This one doesn’t understand. The names given are very long and seem to be inaccurate.”  
“Just say it!”  
“This one - Commander Shepard.”  
“This one - wait, shit! - I, Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel and galaxy, Destroyer of the Collectors, and galaxy’s best dancer.”

“Take this one - Kaidan Alenko,”  
“ Take Major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre, bitchin’ L2 biotic, and nicest ass in the galaxy -“  
“You think so?” Kaidan chimed in.  
“I do,” Shepard replied.  
“WAIT, NOT YET. Go on…”  
The Hanar bobbed in frustration. “To be this one’s husband to have and enkindle from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish.”  
“To be my bad ass, biotic, battle buddy and husband, to have and - enkindle, what the hell?”  
“I think it means sex,” Kaidan corrected.  
“Then yes, enkindle a lot,” she continued, “from this day forward, for breakfasts in bed or for bad migraines, for rich as hell, to broke as shit, in sickness and in health, but you need to not get hurt or sick because that would make me very sad.”  
“Well, thanks!” he chirped.  
“To love and to cherish. Even more than my hamster.”  
“Until the enkindlers claim your souls.”  
Shepard and Kaidan exchanged a wary glance.  
“Until one of us gets blown up or shot,” she finished.  
The Hanar slightly turned toward Kaidan. “This one - Kaidan Alenko.”  
“I - Major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre, helper of the Savior of the Citadel and Galaxy, and apparently, the galaxy’s best piece of ass - take Commander Shepard - first human Spectre, actual Savior of the Citadel and galaxy, and most beautiful woman among the stars.”  
“To be this one’s wife to have and enkindle from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. See, Shepard? It’s not so hard to say it right.”  
“Creativity matters, Kaidan.”  
“Until death do us part, in which some really wealthy organization might bring you back again. And I swear, this time, I will not be a massive, raging ass about it.”  
“You damn better not. Asshole.”  
“THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO, SHEPARD!”  
“I know, I’m just messing with you.”  
The Hanar bobbed again, furiously. “To conclude, does this one take this one to be this one’s lawfully wedded husband?”  
“You bet I do,” Shepard said, winking at the Hanar.  
“And does this one take this one to be this one’s lawfully wedded wife?”  
“Hell yeah!”  
“This one may now enkindle the bride.”  
Kaidan leaned forward, and despite their intoxication, he managed to find her lips. She slid her hands to the side of his face and kissed him harder, parting her lips and grabbing his hair. She whimpered his name from her lips and he groped at the fabric of her dress.  
“Excuse me. This one does not approve of enkindling in the bioluminescent chapel.”  
Shepard pulled her lips off her new husband’s and frowned. “Rude.”  
“Hey, it’s fine. We live close to here. Let’s get back to the apartment,” Kaidan whispered in her ear, hardly letting his lips leave her skin.  
“Yes. Exactly,” Shepard said. She shot her head around to look at the Hanar. “We should go.”  
And they stumbled out the door.

****

“Oh my god,” they both said at the same time.  
“We’re belligerent,” Kaidan added, his voice cracking. “Literal nightmares on the Citadel.”  
“The Hanar agreed to not tell anyone. However, apparently you did sign legitimate marriage documents.”  
Liara passed the two of them sheets of papers with their poorly scribbled signatures at the bottom. They glanced over them and exchanged looks at each other.  
“So we’re really married?”  
“It would appear so.”  
Shepard pursed her lips together. “Well…”  
“I can arrange for an annulment, if you would like, Shepard.”  
Shepard shrugged. “Nah. No need. I think we’ll keep it. Right, Kaidan?”  
He nodded. “I don’t see why not.”  
“Alright then, Shepard. I will delete these videos from the systems and do a little damage control. But I will leave you two be. It seems as though you might want some time to talk about this.”  
Liara closed her terminal and left the apartment.  
Kaidan crossed around the couch, taking a seat beside her. He reached a hand down to hers and let her curl up against him.  
“So… Mrs. Shepard-Alenko, how does it feel?”  
“I don’t know. No different than before, really. I just have a massive headache right now.”  
He smiled and kissed the side of her head. “Alright, well, how about this?”  
He turned her over, straddling her between his legs. “Yes?”  
“What do you say to heading to Vancouver for a few days? Having a real wedding? And a real honeymoon.”  
She smiled, stroking her hand along his chest. “I say that sounds like an excellent plan.”  
She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his, holding him tightly.


End file.
